There are people who really enjoy problem solving. Like, really really enjoy it. Give them a problem and they will solve it. They relish talking through every possible solution. A personal problem. A professional problem. Someone else's problem. Doesn't matter.

You might be this person. Or you might know someone like this. There's often a "fixer" in relationships who is guilty of having this affliction. "If only they'd just listen to me…" is a common refrain. And marriages have ended over it, because one person couldn't help jumping to solutions instead of sitting in the emotional swamp of the problem.

One expresses the need for control when solving problems. Being in control makes us feel safe. Not being in control, chaos, and uncertainty provoke anxiety.

The irony is that problems almost never involve a single human being. Not the problems that are interesting, or hard, or worth solving anyway. There are problems throughout the day that involve you and only you, and you feel good about solving them: eating, getting where you need to go, making it to a meeting on time, that game you can't stop playing on your phone. But most problems that are technically challenging, like discovering a new technology, or culturally challenging, like selling your product to a customer, require interpersonal problem solving and a together approach.

The feeling of control that comes from problem solving is an illusion.

Given that one cannot control another, the act of problem solving makes one feel in control when in reality one is not.

The need to feel safe and the need for control are real. One can meet them by being in control of oneself: recognising one's emotions, taking pride in one's growth, feeling grateful for the support one has, and having the confidence that everything works out.

Once problem solving stops being an outlet for control, one can simply be in control.